QUESTIONS versus STATEMENTS: How They Shape EVERY ONE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS:

Doesn't it feel DOWNRIGHT TRIGGERING when someone tells you how YOU feel?!

Nobody loves being spoken for. Whether at work, or at home. 
 
Take for example… your easily-angered employee that keeps hijacking the better mood of the office with the way he reacts to challenging personnel and scenarios. What could shift if that person was asked a thought-provoking question.
 
“What do you need right now?”… 
 
“What kind of help could you use in this moment?”
 
“How’d you get to that conclusion?”
 
“What motivated you to make that decision?”
 
NOW you have a more productive and useful exchange.
 
Now by ASKING these questions versus making statements and declarations about what another person is doing and WHY… now we provoke the SOLUTION-MAKING part of our psychology that wants to fix problems and have answers to questions, while dramatically reducing feelings of criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling… the four deadly horsemen when it comes to our relationships.
 
And what about at HOME…. how good are you about ASKING YOUR LOVE PARTNER QUESTIONS for clarity and understanding when it comes to their internal reality versus statements about what they feel, think and believe?

“He doesn’t want to do fun adventurous things on the weekends. He’d rather do the yard work.”

“She doesn’t care about physical intimacy with me. I wish she wanted that as much as I do.”

Although there’s a higher intention at play by saying these things (ie. you’re downright missing quality time and attention from your spouse!) it’s likely the receiver will go straight into defensive, or shut-down mode to protect themselves against the judgment and criticism they feel. 

POWERFUL QUESTIONS spark a different kind of expression and dialogue that can breed understanding, compassion, and empathy.

“Would you be willing to_____________?”

“What do you think about/how do you feel about____________?”

“I really would love to____________ with you. Would you be willing to try_____________?”

“What makes you think that?”

I’m not saying questions make it all go smoothly… but your chances of getting the positive result your after skyrocket.

So uplevel ANY relationship by replacing your statements with questions! 
__________________________________

Want help sparking an immediate shift in your love relationship at home but not sure what to DO? Download these 5 PROVEN connection exercises my hardworking clients use to uplevel their marriages and create an instant shift.

Are you struggling in your own relationship and need a different approach after failed counseling and therapy? I can help. Apply for your free 20-minute NO-OBLIGATION relationship strategy call with me and let me help you get some relief through restored hope, a different perspective and a prescribed strategy or tool for you to take action with after our call. 

To Your Loving Relationships,

Jennifer Blankl

Certified Relationship & Marriage Coach

Certified Life Coach 

Certified Strategic Interventionist 

Client Testimonials & Experiences

www.JenniferBlankl.com

“Jennifer helps busy professionals & parents ignite connection, excitement, intimacy & fun in their relationships so they can feel more respected, understood, and appreciated, all without further exhausting themselves. All within 90 days, without therapy.”

The Three Kinds of People in Your Life…

What’s been happening in your CLOSER RELATIONSHIPS these past couple of years?

 

For the far majority of my clients, as well as for me personally, at least one major key relationship has been forever changed because of an inability to navigate different perspectives and differences of opinion in a way that preserves your connection.

When we have a close relationship transform for the worst, it can really hijack us emotionally.

Us human creatures have a deep-rooted need to feel connected to, close to, accepted by, affirmed by, included, agreed with… etcetera etcetera… by other human beings.

So when an important relationship becomes challenged and strained… our world can feel hugely hijacked no matter how solid and great some of our other close relationships are.

Because relationships are deeply PERSONAL, when they go awry we can humanly make it personal.

So how can we DEFINE what’s going on in a way that leaves our hearts and minds intact?

People, friends, family, acquaintances, etc. can leave us feeling a wealth of unwanted emotions, all stirred by the way they show up… or don’t show up for us.

 

Some people are not able to, or not wanting to support what we personally are excited about in our lives, in our own personal growth or in the changes we make in our lives and in our relationships. It’s not that they don’t want to… they just may not fully understand.

When we experience this in a key relationship, we tend to react in one of two ways:

  1. We shrink and play small, or go back to our old ways to prevent rocking the boat with friends and family.

  1. We tell others to F off and get all righteous. Then frustration sets in because we’re fighting with people we really care about because they’re not showing up for us the way we really want them to. 

Where do either of these two common responses leave us? Not where we really want to be. Because we’re either not being our true authentic selves, or we’re in conflict, whether outwardly or inwardly, with people we need the most.

So how do we better DEFINE so that we can better MANAGE our relationship experience with other people when we cannot control their behavior or how they’re showing up for us?

There are 3 GROUPS OF PEOPLE in your life:

  1. Toxic People: Negative people in your life who tend to leave you feeling depleted rather than filled up and elevated. You can’t change them. Protect yourself from toxic people with boundaries for you – it’s not healthy to endure a toxic dynamic. Again, most importantly, you are not going to change them. 

  1. Your Right-Hand People (your GROWING hand): These are the people that grow with you, lift you up and cheer you on. These people include your closest friends that know your darkest secrets and love you more for them.  Your mentor, your coach, therapist,teacher, trainer, the people you engage with the most in your professional network).  These people are those that challenge you to the next level, encourage you, inspire you, and support you. Surround yourself with these people!  Get filled up here with inspiration and positivity from these folks!

  1. YOUR Left-Hand People (your GIVING hand): These precious folks often include those that have KNOWN YOU THE LONGEST and likely make up for the largest percentage of people in your life. And the largest amount of your grief and suffering. Totally kidding.

These friends and family may not (and commonly don’t) fully get your growth, and may annoyingly challenge any updates on your end about the awesome changes you’re making in your life. But this doesn’t mean they deserve to be abandoned (Most of the time, at least. ;)). This is where YOU GIVE unconditional love and compassion exactly where THEY are.  Appreciate and honor where they are. You don’t need to fix it, or try to change them. Relieve yourself of this, already!

RELATIONSHIP PAIN happens…

when you expect your LEFT-HAND People to think, feel and act like your RIGHT-HAND People do with you.

For example…

When we give unsolicited advice to our friends, they can feel rejected or judged by us. 

When we share our career success excitement with a parent who doesn’t give us the response back we’re expecting and craving. It can feel like rejection and disinterest… but it could be more the fact that this parent should be in your LEFT-HAND… but you’re wanting and expecting RIGHT-HAND treatment.

This is all fluid and can change at any time.

 

For example, a toxic person in your life could hit rock bottom, make massive changes and earn their way back into your Friends and Family hand. Or, a professional friendship turned close friend… or your Love Partner, could become both a right hand person, as well as a left hand person for us. 

So in recap, why is this important to understand?

  • Knowing who you are hanging out with and which HAND they belong in helps us better manage our expectations of others and how we feel about how they do or don’t show up for us.

  • Reduces the pain and suffering we feel from unmet expectations that can’t possibly be met in our closer relationships.

  • Helps us manage the way WE OURSELVES show up for others.

DO THIS EXERCISE!:

As you go through the transforming process of personal growth, you will have key people in your life that want to share their opinions and advice with you with very good intention. However it’s vital to be cautious whose advice you act upon since it’s difficult for those giving the advice to have all perspectives and insights they need to ensure their advice is right for you.

 

Who belongs in your right hand?

 

Who belongs in your left hand?

 

Who is currently your source of relationship advice / support?

 

Is this person’s advice sound?

 

If so, why?

 

If not, why?

Need help transforming your relationship with the Love Partner you already have?

Need a different approach?

I can help. Let’s talk!

Apply for your FREE 30 minute Certified Relationship/Marriage Coaching Consult with me!

www.JenniferBlankl.com/Help

www.JenniferBlankl.com

Client Testimonials & Experiences

Want help sparking an immediate shift in your love relationship? Download my FREE eBook with 5 proven exercises for connecting more deeply with your love partner. 

Download them HERE… and commit to doing one tonight with your Love Partner!

Also, I invite you to join my Facebook Group “The Relationship Revolution” for proven insights, strategies, and empowering perspectives to help you spark massive change at home.

To Your Loving Relationships,

Jennifer Blankl
Certified Relationship Coach

Certified Marriage Coach & Divorce Preventionist

Certified Strategic Interventionist 

Certified Life Coach

“Jennifer helps busy professionals & parents ignite connection, excitement, intimacy & fun in their relationships so they can feel more respected, understood, and appreciated, all without further exhausting themselves.”

For the WOMEN that say “MY MAN IS MY ROCK”…

For the WOMEN that say “MY MAN IS MY ROCK”…

Maybe you don’t need this reminder… but in case you do… I’m here to serve this one up today because I’m being reminded of it myself in my own marriage.

Men who are labeled “ROCKS” are oftentimes given such an honorable title because of one or more of these things:

a masculine sense of stability, security, strength in presence and conviction, self-control, LOGIC over EMOTION, a protective nature,
demanding respect that has been earned.
And on and on.

Yet… so often and so humanly so… us women want that same ROCK OF A MAN to be “more EMOTIONAL”, “more OPEN and VULNERABLE”… “better in tune with the kids”, “more intuitive with what I need”, “better able to know ______ without me having to tell him”, “more calm”, “more fun”, and on and on.

This creates CONFUSION for men!!

Now, wait a second… I’m not letting men off the hook here with practicing tapping in their “softer side”… or exploring their own vulnerability and openness more… because indeed this WILL enhance your love relationship at home NO DOUBT.

What I’m saying is… WOMEN… DON’T FORGET the rock foundation from which your man is operating from in those moments he’s NOT showing up, or able to show up, for you the way you really need and want him to.

Help him become softer when YOU need him to be… through responding to him as the ROCK he is… rather than the SOFTER guy you may want at that moment, but that is not your partner’s baseline spirit.

ROCKS are rocks because they are, they do, and they provide what ultimately feels SOLID and UNSHAKEABLE.

So allow your ROCK of a man the opportunity to soften so that you don’t turn him into a turtle before he gets the chance to.

NEED HELP IN YOUR OWN LOVE RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE… but needing a DIFFERENT APPROACH with the accountability that gets you the big results you want and need?

I help busy couples ignite connection, intimacy & joy even when they feel they don’t have the time, energy or desire so they can stop living like roommates within 90 days without further marriage counseling or therapy that doesn’t work. 

Need help transforming your relationship with the Love Partner you already have?

I can help. Let’s talk!

Apply for your FREE N0-OBLIGATION 20-minute Certified Relationship/Marriage Coaching Session with me!

www.JenniferBlankl.com/lets-connect

www.JenniferBlankl.com

Client Testimonials & Experiences

Want help sparking an immediate shift in your love relationship? Download my FREE eBook: “5 Powerful Proven Exercises My Busy Clients use to UPLEVEL their Marriage.”

To Your Loving Relationships,

Jennifer Blankl
Certified Relationship & Marriage Coach

Certified Life Coach 

Certified Strategic Interventionist 

“Jennifer helps busy professionals & parents ignite connection, excitement, intimacy & fun in their relationships so they can feel more respected, understood, and appreciated, all without further exhausting themselves. All within 90 days, without therapy.”

Celebrate Your Self More.

Ever feel like you’re on auto-pilot… even when good things are happening?

How often do you work so hard for a certain result or outcome, but when you successfully make it all happen,  you breeze right through your moment of accomplishment and quickly move on to the next thing you gotta do… or achieve… or fix… or whatever? 

And so you miss out on feeling that sense of success and accomplishment. Which is huge for our self confidence, self-worth, and motivation. 

How can you reward yourself even better for each small and big success you create in your daily life?

Research shows that our ability, as well as how often we feel we’re MAKING PROGRESS or SUCCESSFULLY ACHIEVING something… has a strong and direct impact on our experience of JOY inside of ourselves.

Our ability to experience these sensations is completely determined by how we define “success” and “progress”.

How do YOU define “success” and “progress”?

How do you determine if you’re being successful in a key relationship, or in a job, or with your kids??

For example…

Are YOU defining your success… or is someone else?

Does it need to be a completed task, or can it be something that is in progress?

Must it come from a prior set goal?  Or can it be those unexpected, perhaps even unintended, ‘successes’ that you’re creating or contributing to… but maybe you’re not currently recognizing?

Must it be something challenging to you? 

Or can it be something you’re good at, that you can do with ease, but that contributes to someone else, or the greater good?

As an action strategy… I encourage you to set yourself up with a “Celebration Jar” that you enter a note in to at least once a day, to help you take pause so you can better recognize, with greater appreciation, those many successes you are indeed creating, but may not be celebrating!

Need help transforming your relationship with the Love Partner you already have?

I can help. Let’s talk!

Apply for your FREE 30 minute Certified Relationship/Marriage Coaching Consult with me!

www.JenniferBlankl.com/Help

www.JenniferBlankl.com

Client Testimonials & Experiences

Want help sparking an immediate shift in your love relationship? Download my FREE eBook with 5 PROVEN CONNECTION EXERCISES for More Deeply Connecting with your Partner”… without further exhausting yourself. 

Join my Facebook Group “The Relationship Revolution” for proven insights, strategies, and empowering perspectives to help you spark massive change at home.

To Your Loving Relationships,

Jennifer Blankl
Certified Relationship & Life Coach

Certified Marriage Coach & Divorce Preventionist

Certified Strategic Interventionist 

“Jennifer helps busy professionals & parents ignite connection, excitement, intimacy & fun in their relationships so they can feel more respected, understood, and appreciated, all without further exhausting themselves.”

Using this simple phrase instead is a RELATIONSHIP GAME CHANGER.

 


Remember the last time you got in a heated dialogue with your love partner or spouse because one of you was sharing your feelings?

If you said an hour ago… you’re far from alone.

When we are feeling triggered or stuck or needing to express our feelings, needs, and preferences, we often fall into the trap of talking about what we DON’T WANT instead of what we DO WANT. 

It’s our human default way.

It’s part of our evolutionary survival instinct to focus on and point out all that’s not right.

For this is how things get fixed, right?

Yes. And. When we get better at describing what we DO want to have, experience, feel, create, etc… we are clarifying for both our selves as well as our partner (or the other person) what we’re truly wanting or needing, while minimizing the risk of an unintended communication breakdown. “DO WANT” opens up the opportunity for better understanding, resolution, and collaboration. 

When we humanly get stuck in “DON’T WANT” mode… we’re much more likely to trigger our partner since “DON’T WANT” often lands as criticism or a personal attack to the receiver. Or worse… we unintentionally lead our partner to feel inadequate, unworthy, defeated, unappreciated, unsuccessful, unwanted, and so on.  (These are the actual words most commonly expressed by my male clients). This of course leads to either defensiveness or stonewalling (shutting down) most of the time.

Instead, make it easier to be more successful with each other by giving your partner the key information they need (and want) to know so they can do what will lead to their success with you.

And it’s important to be specific.

Don’t just say you do want more alone time… say you do want alone time on Tuesday and Thursday nights between 7pm and 9pm.

Like when my boys gripe and complain most nights about my ideas for dinner until I say “OK… well, why don’t you tell me what you DO WANT for dinner then instead of everything you don’t want?!”  And then they instantly become helpful and so much less annoying. 😉 

So try “DO WANT” statements on for size.  See how this strategy can really help you navigate not only your thoughts and your focus, but also your dialogue, toward what you’re truly after. Expressing oneself and feeling heard is a human need we all have, but to be able to express ourselves in terms of what we specifically are wanting to experience, feel, create, improve, empowers us to more easily identify solutions, and ways to get what we do most want and need.

For example, if you feel your partner is on their phone more than you’d like  and you’re fed up with how much his phone distracts him, instead of focusing on the fact that you DON’T want him on his phone so much, you can hone in on how you DO want to spend more time with him. You WANT to feel closer and more connected to him. You WANT to experience a deeper connection with him. Imagine the difference expressing what we DO WANT more than what we DON’T can make in all of our relationships.

Try this. Do it. Let me know how it goes!


Are you struggling in your Love Life at home with the partner you already have?

Need a different approach? Already tried marriage counseling or couples therapy without success?

Let’s connect! 

Apply for a FREE Certified Relationship, Marriage & Divorce Prevention Coaching Consult with me. For you, or both you and your partner.

Client Experiences & Testimonials

www.JenniferBlankl.com

Need help sparking a massive shift that’s immediate but don’t know where to begin? Download my FREE eBook HERE with 5 Proven Connection Exercises for More Deeply Connecting with your Partner.

To Your Loving Relationships,

Jennifer Blankl
Certified Relationship Coach

Certified Marriage Educator and Divorce Preventionist

Certified Strategic Interventionist 

“Jennifer helps busy professionals & parents ignite connection, excitement, intimacy & fun in their relationships so they can feel more respected, understood, and appreciated.”

Join my Facebook Group “The Relationship Revolution” for proven insights, strategies, and empowering perspectives to help you spark massive change at home.

THE PRICELESS GAINS IN A LATER CHECKOUT…


When you’re done with your busy day… Do you enjoy hanging out with your Love Partner, your Spouse, or the kids?…

Or would you rather check out and get that time to yourself that we all need?

I was reminded of something last week.

Two nights out of the week my husband takes our 12-year-old son to soccer practice leaving me and my 10-year-old son alone. My 10-year-old looooves connecting with his friends over video games. So it’s too easy to let him play video games when older brother is at soccer while I drink red wine and cook while watching Netflix. My go-to way of transitioning out of my busy workday. Which I really enjoy. 

I’ve been more conscious these last couple of years about how quickly time passes and how fast my boys are growing up.

And TIME with those we love cannot be…

renewed…

reused…

or recycled.

What I CAN do is change HOW I spend the time that I DO have with them.

But that point only scratches the surface.

So last week I forced my son to hang out with mommy. He didn’t want to. He pleaded for a bit to get on “the Fortnite” but caved quicker than I expected.

We took our dog Apollo on a long walk together and he chatted my ear off in the most adorable way about things that happened at school which he won’t say in front of his brother in the car ride home from school for some reason. I would’ve totally missed out on this sweet conversation between him and I otherwise.

I negotiated with him that we could watch something together or play a board game and of course, he chose the TV. Which was fine because he draped his leg over mine on the couch and we could not have been sitting closer without him sitting on my lap. This I love. These moments I cherish. The bonds we feel with our loved ones when we take the time to connect with them trumps all.

I’m glad I got this reminder that trading out my own comfort to hang with my son has immeasurable gifts to enjoy.

We all need alone time, escape time, de-stress time, but for me to redefine how I use that alone time with my younger son during those evenings is well worth the effort.

Research proves my point as well. A 75-year long Harvard Study’s biggest findings were that the most important predictor of happiness is our relationships. Not money, or power or possessions. But our closest relationships.

I think in this busy life that demands our divided attention, we could all use this reminder.


Are you struggling in your Love Life at home with the partner you already have?

Need a different approach? Already tried marriage counseling or therapy without success?

Let’s connect! 

Apply for a FREE Certified Relationship, Marriage & Divorce Prevention Coaching Consult with me. For you, or both you and your partner.

Client Experiences & Testimonials

www.JenniferBlankl.com

To Your Loving Relationships,

Jennifer Blankl
Certified Relationship Coach

Certified Marriage Educator and Divorce Preventionist

Certified Strategic Interventionist 

“Jennifer helps busy professionals & parents ignite connection, excitement, intimacy & fun in their relationships so they can feel more respected, understood, and appreciated.”

Join my Facebook Group “The Relationship Revolution” for proven insights, strategies, and empowering perspectives to help you spark massive change at home.

What’s YOUR Story?? Is it Good Enough for You?

“I’ll never get past this…”

“I’d be happier with a different partner….”

“I’m not good enough to do_____ or have_____…”

“I’m gonna screw this up somehow…”

“This isn’t possible for me…”

WHAT HOLDS YOU BACK FROM HAVING, FEELING, & EXPERIENCING WHAT YOU REALLY WANT AND NEED?

Most likely… the limiting beliefs you’re living out by what you tell yourself and others.

The “stories” you play out in your thoughts, beliefs, and actions. Are there beliefs you carry around that hold you back from living more joyfully and productively? These are the thoughts that we tend to repeatedly think, that ultimately hold us back from having something, being something, doing something, or creating something. For example, a guy that believes and declares “I don’t get women like that” referring to the kind of woman he would really love to ask out; or the wife that believes her husband doesn’t love and cherish her because of how much he works… will ultimately manifest that reality because our actions always follow our beliefs. Whatever we believe… we manifest. Our thoughts dictate our beliefs. Our beliefs dictate our actions. Our actions dictate our reality.

E X E R C I S E:

Think of a specific life or relationship challenge currently impacting you. What’s something you concretely believe about this situation or person? Now assess whether this belief empowers you and motivates you to take action that gets you to the result you’re ultimately after. Or does this belief limit you, or hijack your ability to see new opportunities, expand what is good and right, and to take the action or actions that will manifest what you truly want and need?

Need help transforming your relationship with the Love Partner you already have?

I can help. Let’s connect!

Apply for your FREE 30 minute Certified Relationship/Marriage Coaching Consult with me!

www.JenniferBlankl.com/Help

www.JenniferBlankl.com

Client Testimonials & Experiences

Want help sparking an immediate shift in your love relationship? Download my FREE eBook with 5 PROVEN CONNECTION EXERCISES for More Deeply Connecting with your Partner”… without further exhausting yourself. 

Join my Facebook Group “The Relationship Revolution” for proven insights, strategies, and empowering perspectives to help you spark massive change at home.

To Your Loving Relationships,

Jennifer Blankl

Certified Relationship & Life Coach

Certified Marriage Coach & Divorce Preventionist

Certified Strategic Interventionist 

“Jennifer helps busy professionals & parents ignite connection, excitement, intimacy & fun in their relationships so they can feel more respected, understood, and appreciated, all without further exhausting themselves.”


True Confessions of a Marriage Coach’s “Rock Bottom”

Buckle up. I’m gonna get vulnerable on you. This is my marriage story:

My husband and I hit rock bottom so early on in our marriage.

We married in the spring of 2008, became pregnant with our first son a quick month after our wedding, and then the economy collapsed. And my smart, successful, confident husband came home in the middle of the workday with a suspicious box and an expression on his face that I’ll never forget. 

That day, through no fault of his own, he lost an 11-year job to the financial crisis.

And on that same day, our sweet happy “honeymoon phase” died an abrupt death. 

Instead of focusing on my status as “new wife” and “first-time-mom-to-be”, now I was focusing on my husband’s shitty mood.  And everything he was doing that I didn’t like… and everything he wasn’t doing that I liked. All while my husband focused on securing our financial well-being, and my emotional well-being, all while the due date of our first child grew closer every day. 

But I was too one-sided to see the situation with compassion and empathy for my husband. I was too caught up in my own needs. What I wasn’t getting. How my fairy-tale-based expectations of marriage weren’t being met. In hindsight, such a hollow mindset, yet not an uncommon one by any means.  

As my husband focused more and more on work and became emotionally distant and stopped telling me details about things, I became cold… punishing… withholding… bitchy. I even threatened divorce. 

So we tried therapy.

And talking about our relationship issues and rehashing old fights didn’t work for us.

Not only did we waste a ton of time and money on both male and female therapists, we’d often leave our sessions worse off then when we arrived. 

Then something totally unexpected happened.

I began my formal training to become a Certified Life and Relationship Coach, and this thing I learned in one of my very first courses absolutely blew my freaking mind.

It changed me forever, actually. 

This enlightening course was all about our “Six Universal Human Needs” and there began the process of me developing a deeper understanding of why I do what I do … and why others in my life very important to me do what they do… that upleveled my way of thinking. I was able to make so much more sense of my Self and others, empowering me with a way better mindset.

It was the exact self-awareness slap in the face I needed to wake up and recognize my own power and ability to create change. 

Now I help others save their marriages.

And I get a lot of individuals and couples who come to me after having tried therapy, wanting to try the coaching approach. 

Want to discover how personal coaching can help you transform your own relationship? If the answer is YES, I invite you to apply for a FREE 30-minute Certified Coaching Call with me here: 

www.JenniferBlankl.com/help

Client testimonials and experiences: www.JenniferBlank.com/testimonials

How Do You Most Love to Receive Love?

Do you ever feel like you make a ton of effort to give to your partner and love them but no matter what you do, or say, it just doesn’t feel like your guy or gal appreciates it, or even enjoys it, as much as you really want them to.

So why is this such a common point of pain for many couples? 

The funny thing is… us well-intentioned humans tend to love others in the specific form that WE, OURSELVES, most prefer (your “Love Language”). Sometimes this works out well for both the giver and the receiver, but in my experience as a Relationship and Marriage Coach, most of the time this fact can hijack our ability to get the result we want with our Partner, and in our Marriage.

A rockstar business owner client of mine used to complain about how annoyed she felt from the fact that she complimented her husband often, but it was never enough to make him happy.

She felt frustrated and even rejected in her attempts to be more loving toward him.

Although she had a positive intent to give to her partner, unbeknownst to her, she was completely missing the mark. All because her husband’s top Love Language is “quality time”… not “words of affirmation”. He felt he had to compete with her work for her time and attention.  As the driven worker bee she is, she comes home late from running the business every day. He craves her next to him, her attention and presence… that her complimentary words don’t meet for him. 

So here, there’s tons of effort being made…  just not the RIGHT effort that taps in to her husband’s preferred way of receiving her love. 

In other words, she was loving him in the wrong love language. 

As it commonly happens, she thought she was on track with her efforts because she was loving him in the way SHE most wanted to be loved by him. 

So, how do YOU most love to receive love?? What about your Partner? How do they most love to receive love?

Is it through “words of affirmation” –  kind and affirming words being spoken to you? 

Is it someone giving you their undivided attention and full presence through “quality time”

Is it through “physical touch” and physical connection as in a hug, holding hands or cuddling on the couch? 

Or perhaps it’s “receiving gifts” from a loved one that leaves you feeling special and thought about. 

Or is it when someone does something for you through their own actions, or “acts of service”

It took me too long to realize in my own marriage, that just because my preferred love language is “Words of affirmation” doesn’t mean my husband must appreciate compliments and verbal praise the way I do. As a matter of fact, verbal compliments and affirmations don’t amount to a hill of beans to him because his love language is Acts of Service and for him, this is met through teamwork in our marriage and us operating like a true partnership. So verbal compliments from me don’t do much for him, whereas verbal compliments from him rock my world! 

Happy Love Day to you and yours!

Much Love,

Jennifer Blankl

Certified Relationship, Marriage and Divorce Prevention Coach

CLIENT TESTIMONIALS

Need a different approach for transforming your own relationship at home? I can help!

Apply for a FREE 30-Minute Certified Relationship Video Consult with me HERE!

Need help creating a shift TONIGHT? Start with one of these 5 proven connection strategies. Download them HERE.

Jennifer Blankl helps busy professionals create a successful and fulfilling love life at home within 90 days, without therapy. She understands how many feel like they don’t have the time, energy, or oftentimes the desire to “work” on their relationship… but still want to feel loved, appreciated, respected, and supported by their partner.Trained and Certified as a Relationship Coach, Life Coach, Marriage Educator and Divorce Preventionist, Jennifer serves men, women and couples privately as well as through group workshops, trainings, and as a professional speaker. 

Like my Facebook page “The Art of Fulfillment” for insights, tips, tools and advice on everything relationships!

Join my Facebook Support Group, “The Relationship Revolution”

Co-Contributor of “Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams”

What’s YOUR “Center of Gravity” as a Love Partner in Your Relationship?

If you had to be honest… how often do you “measure” in your committed love relationship? By “measuring” I mean keeping track. Keeping score on what you do and give to your partner and love relationship… versus what you perceive your partner is, or isn’t doing.

As a Certified Relationship and Marriage Coach, I hear these expressions often… and I completely understand how my clients are feeling when they say things like, “I wish he’d step up more when it comes to chores and household responsibilities. Why do I have to do it all?”;  “I wish she’d give me compliments and tell me what she appreciates as much as I do for her!” 

We all do it, or have done it at some point. It’s part of our deep human instinct and nature to compete with others, even those we love most, to survive in this world. 

The tricky thing about measuring in our love relationship or marriage is that as long as we’re measuring, our math is going to come up faulty. Meaning, our partner will ALWAYS come up short in our minds when we measure. 

When we measure, we also hijack our own motivation and desire to love our partner more deeply because now we’re focusing on what we’re NOT getting, rather than what we ARE… and we all know what that leads to. A bunch of crappy relationship-killing emotions including resentment and contempt.

HERE ARE THE FOUR LEVELS OF LOVE:

According to Tony Robbins, there are four levels of love that shed light on the different mindsets from which we each can humanly operate in our long-term, committed love relationships. Knowing and understanding these different levels can help us see precisely where our “center of gravity” is as a love partner. 

Level 1:   SELFISH LOVE

We’ve all been there. You can predict the outcome. At this level, we show up to GET. It’s all about “what’s in this for me?”

Level 2:    TRADING LOVE:   THE 50 / 50 PARTNERSHIP 

This is where your relationship operates more like a trade:  ‘You do that for me; I’ll do that for you’. At the level, partners strive for an equal, 50/50 partnership. Here, you are ALWAYS keeping score. How else do you know if it’s 50/50? You’re constantly measuring what you get back. You will ultimately end up feeling shorted by your partner. At this level, it’s too easy to just stop giving when you feel your partner is not giving as much, and the relationship eventually  deteriorates.

Culturally, we’ve been driven to this level of love. This is, by far, the most common place where people have their center of gravity.

Level 3:    REAL LOVE:  100 / 100 PARTNERSHIP

At this level, you’re loving and giving because that’s who you are. You give unlimited to your partner. Your px’s needs are your needs. You’re in 100%. You’re not measuring. Your life’s purpose is to fill their partner up and light them up regularly. The far majority of people are scared to give this much. The fear is that question “What if I give all of this and don’t get loved back?”, “What if I get hurt?”

When you love someone, you experience that love as you are giving it. So when we withhold our love, we don’t get to feel that love we feel when we’re giving it.

Level 4:   SPIRITUAL LOVE 

This is a spiritual kind of love that is truly and completely unconditional because this includes loving those that have hurt us. Think Dali Lama; Mother Teresa; Mahatma Gandi.  For most humans, this is not sustainable.

So what level are you at right now?

What level do you really want to be playing at?

How can you aspire to Level 3 love if you’re currently at level 2?

I encourage you to use this tool as an emotional state and mindset-shifter if and when you’re feeling challenged in showing love and compassion to your partner, like when you’re mad at them. It’s a great check-in tool to use with yourself to help you become more aware of how you’re reacting to and showing up for your partner.

Hone the power you already have inside of you to transform your own love relationship by choosing to never settle for Level 2 Love. Raise your standards and work toward Level 3 Love! You both win this way.

Much Love,

Jennifer Blankl, Certified Relationship, Marriage and Divorce Prevention Coach

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Jennifer Blankl helps busy professionals create a successful and fulfilling love life at home within 90 days, without therapy. She understands how many feel like they don’t have the time, energy or oftentimes the desire to “work” on their relationship… but still want to feel loved, appreciated, respected and supported by their partner.

Trained and Certified as a Relationship Coach, Life Coach, Marriage Educator and Divorce Preventionist, Jennifer serves men, women and couples privately as well as through group workshops, trainings, and as a professional speaker for companies and organizations. 

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Co-Contributor of “Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams”and we all know what that leads to… a bunch of crappy emotions like resentment and contempt.