Do you ever feel like you make a ton of effort to give to your partner and love them but no matter what you do, or say, it just doesn’t feel like your guy or gal appreciates it, or even enjoys it, as much as you really want them to.
So why is this such a common point of pain for many couples?
The funny thing is… us well-intentioned humans tend to love others in the specific form that WE, OURSELVES, most prefer (your “Love Language”). Sometimes this works out well for both the giver and the receiver, but in my experience as a Relationship and Marriage Coach, most of the time this fact can hijack our ability to get the result we want with our Partner, and in our Marriage.
A rockstar business owner client of mine used to complain about how annoyed she felt from the fact that she complimented her husband often, but it was never enough to make him happy.
She felt frustrated and even rejected in her attempts to be more loving toward him.
Although she had a positive intent to give to her partner, unbeknownst to her, she was completely missing the mark. All because her husband’s top Love Language is “quality time”… not “words of affirmation”. He felt he had to compete with her work for her time and attention. As the driven worker bee she is, she comes home late from running the business every day. He craves her next to him, her attention and presence… that her complimentary words don’t meet for him.
So here, there’s tons of effort being made… just not the RIGHT effort that taps in to her husband’s preferred way of receiving her love.
In other words, she was loving him in the wrong love language.
As it commonly happens, she thought she was on track with her efforts because she was loving him in the way SHE most wanted to be loved by him.
So, how do YOU most love to receive love?? What about your Partner? How do they most love to receive love?
Is it through “words of affirmation” – kind and affirming words being spoken to you?
Is it someone giving you their undivided attention and full presence through “quality time”?
Is it through “physical touch” and physical connection as in a hug, holding hands or cuddling on the couch?
Or perhaps it’s “receiving gifts” from a loved one that leaves you feeling special and thought about.
Or is it when someone does something for you through their own actions, or “acts of service”?
It took me too long to realize in my own marriage, that just because my preferred love language is “Words of affirmation” doesn’t mean my husband must appreciate compliments and verbal praise the way I do. As a matter of fact, verbal compliments and affirmations don’t amount to a hill of beans to him because his love language is Acts of Service and for him, this is met through teamwork in our marriage and us operating like a true partnership. So verbal compliments from me don’t do much for him, whereas verbal compliments from him rock my world!
Happy Love Day to you and yours!
Need a different approach for transforming your own relationship at home? I can help!
Jennifer Blankl helps busy professionals create a successful and fulfilling love life at home within 90 days, without therapy. She understands how many feel like they don’t have the time, energy, or oftentimes the desire to “work” on their relationship… but still want to feel loved, appreciated, respected, and supported by their partner.Trained and Certified as a Relationship Coach, Life Coach, Marriage Educator and Divorce Preventionist, Jennifer serves men, women and couples privately as well as through group workshops, trainings, and as a professional speaker.