jenniferblankl, Author at Jennifer Blankl

February 12, 2021November 16, 2022

How Do You Most Love to Receive Love?

Do you ever feel like you make a ton of effort to give to your partner and love them but no matter what you do, or say, it just doesn’t feel like your guy or gal appreciates it, or even enjoys it, as much as you really want them to.

So why is this such a common point of pain for many couples?

The funny thing is… us well-intentioned humans tend to love others in the specific form that WE, OURSELVES, most prefer (your “Love Language”). Sometimes this works out well for both the giver and the receiver, but in my experience as a Relationship and Marriage Coach, most of the time this fact can hijack our ability to get the result we want with our Partner, and in our Marriage.

A rockstar business owner client of mine used to complain about how annoyed she felt from the fact that she complimented her husband often, but it was never enough to make him happy.

She felt frustrated and even rejected in her attempts to be more loving toward him.

Although she had a positive intent to give to her partner, unbeknownst to her, she was completely missing the mark. All because her husband’s top Love Language is “quality time”… not “words of affirmation”. He felt he had to compete with her work for her time and attention. As the driven worker bee she is, she comes home late from running the business every day. He craves her next to him, her attention and presence… that her complimentary words don’t meet for him.

So here, there’s tons of effort being made… just not the RIGHT effort that taps in to her husband’s preferred way of receiving her love.

In other words, she was loving him in the wrong love language.

As it commonly happens, she thought she was on track with her efforts because she was loving him in the way SHE most wanted to be loved by him.

So, how do YOU most love to receive love?? What about your Partner? How do they most love to receive love?

Is it through “words of affirmation” – kind and affirming words being spoken to you?

Is it someone giving you their undivided attention and full presence through “quality time”?

Is it through “physical touch” and physical connection as in a hug, holding hands or cuddling on the couch?

Or perhaps it’s “receiving gifts” from a loved one that leaves you feeling special and thought about.

Or is it when someone does something for you through their own actions, or “acts of service”?

It took me too long to realize in my own marriage, that just because my preferred love language is “Words of affirmation” doesn’t mean my husband must appreciate compliments and verbal praise the way I do. As a matter of fact, verbal compliments and affirmations don’t amount to a hill of beans to him because his love language is Acts of Service and for him, this is met through teamwork in our marriage and us operating like a true partnership. So verbal compliments from me don’t do much for him, whereas verbal compliments from him rock my world!

Happy Love Day to you and yours!

Much Love,

Jennifer Blankl

Certified Relationship, Marriage and Divorce Prevention Coach

CLIENT TESTIMONIALS

Need a different approach for transforming your own relationship at home? I can help!

Apply for a FREE 30-Minute Certified Relationship Video Consult with me HERE!

Need help creating a shift TONIGHT? Start with one of these 5 proven connection strategies. Download them HERE.

Jennifer Blankl helps busy professionals create a successful and fulfilling love life at home within 90 days, without therapy. She understands how many feel like they don’t have the time, energy, or oftentimes the desire to “work” on their relationship… but still want to feel loved, appreciated, respected, and supported by their partner.Trained and Certified as a Relationship Coach, Life Coach, Marriage Educator and Divorce Preventionist, Jennifer serves men, women and couples privately as well as through group workshops, trainings, and as a professional speaker.

Like my Facebook page “The Art of Fulfillment” for insights, tips, tools and advice on everything relationships!

Join my Facebook Support Group, “The Relationship Revolution”

Co-Contributor of “Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams”

February 10, 2021December 29, 2023

What’s YOUR “Center of Gravity” as a Love Partner in Your Relationship?

If you had to be honest… how often do you “measure” in your committed love relationship? By “measuring” I mean keeping track. Keeping score on what you do and give to your partner and love relationship… versus what you perceive your partner is, or isn’t doing.

As a Certified Relationship and Marriage Coach, I hear these expressions often… and I completely understand how my clients are feeling when they say things like, “I wish he’d step up more when it comes to chores and household responsibilities. Why do I have to do it all?”; “I wish she’d give me compliments and tell me what she appreciates as much as I do for her!”

We all do it, or have done it at some point. It’s part of our deep human instinct and nature to compete with others, even those we love most, to survive in this world.

The tricky thing about measuring in our love relationship or marriage is that as long as we’re measuring, our math is going to come up faulty. Meaning, our partner will ALWAYS come up short in our minds when we measure.

When we measure, we also hijack our own motivation and desire to love our partner more deeply because now we’re focusing on what we’re NOT getting, rather than what we ARE… and we all know what that leads to. A bunch of crappy relationship-killing emotions including resentment and contempt.

HERE ARE THE FOUR LEVELS OF LOVE:

According to Tony Robbins, there are four levels of love that shed light on the different mindsets from which we each can humanly operate in our long-term, committed love relationships. Knowing and understanding these different levels can help us see precisely where our “center of gravity” is as a love partner.

Level 1: SELFISH LOVE

We’ve all been there. You can predict the outcome. At this level, we show up to GET. It’s all about “what’s in this for me?”

Level 2: TRADING LOVE: THE 50 / 50 PARTNERSHIP

This is where your relationship operates more like a trade: ‘You do that for me; I’ll do that for you’. At the level, partners strive for an equal, 50/50 partnership. Here, you are ALWAYS keeping score. How else do you know if it’s 50/50? You’re constantly measuring what you get back. You will ultimately end up feeling shorted by your partner. At this level, it’s too easy to just stop giving when you feel your partner is not giving as much, and the relationship eventually deteriorates.

Culturally, we’ve been driven to this level of love. This is, by far, the most common place where people have their center of gravity.

Level 3: REAL LOVE: 100 / 100 PARTNERSHIP

At this level, you’re loving and giving because that’s who you are. You give unlimited to your partner. Your px’s needs are your needs. You’re in 100%. You’re not measuring. Your life’s purpose is to fill their partner up and light them up regularly. The far majority of people are scared to give this much. The fear is that question “What if I give all of this and don’t get loved back?”, “What if I get hurt?”

When you love someone, you experience that love as you are giving it. So when we withhold our love, we don’t get to feel that love we feel when we’re giving it.

Level 4: SPIRITUAL LOVE

This is a spiritual kind of love that is truly and completely unconditional because this includes loving those that have hurt us. Think Dali Lama; Mother Teresa; Mahatma Gandi. For most humans, this is not sustainable.

So what level are you at right now?

What level do you really want to be playing at?

How can you aspire to Level 3 love if you’re currently at level 2?

I encourage you to use this tool as an emotional state and mindset-shifter if and when you’re feeling challenged in showing love and compassion to your partner, like when you’re mad at them. It’s a great check-in tool to use with yourself to help you become more aware of how you’re reacting to and showing up for your partner.

Hone the power you already have inside of you to transform your own love relationship by choosing to never settle for Level 2 Love. Raise your standards and work toward Level 3 Love! You both win this way.

Much Love,

Jennifer Blankl, Certified Relationship, Marriage and Divorce Prevention Coach

CLIENT TESTIMONIALS

Apply for a FREE 20-Minute Certified Relationship Video Consult with me HERE!

Jennifer Blankl helps busy professionals create a successful and fulfilling love life at home within 90 days, without therapy. She understands how many feel like they don’t have the time, energy or oftentimes the desire to “work” on their relationship… but still want to feel loved, appreciated, respected and supported by their partner.

Trained and Certified as a Relationship Coach, Life Coach, Marriage Educator and Divorce Preventionist, Jennifer serves men, women and couples privately as well as through group workshops, trainings, and as a professional speaker for companies and organizations.

CLIENT TESTIMONIALS

Download my FREE e-Book “5 POWERFUL EXERCISES to Instantly Connect with your Love Partner”

Facebook page “The Art of Fulfillment”

Facebook Support Group, “The Relationship Revolution”

Co-Contributor of “Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams”and we all know what that leads to… a bunch of crappy emotions like resentment and contempt.

January 27, 2021May 25, 2022

Are your EMOTIONS Getting the Best of You? Here’s What To Do…

My parents used to tell me in my younger years that I was “TOO EMOTIONAL”. That if I didn’t get a grip on my feelings… then I would pay heavy consequences… not just with them… but in life. I’ve worked on myself over the decades and become a lot wiser to the control I actually really do have over the oftentimes intense emotions I feel.

I didn’t learn this lesson from growing older and wiser. Nor from mom and dad telling me over and over not to be so emotional, and to learn to better manage myself. I learned this back in 2012 early on in my training as a Certified Relationship & Life Coach, I was taught an invaluable tool that shifted my entire perspective on WHY I feel certain emotions more than others… and why I stay stuck in certain emotions even when they make me feel like shit. This tool taught me the primary driving factor behind all emotions… and that’s our human drive to meet our “Six Universal Human Needs”. So when I could see how my core human needs were getting met through my feelings and emotions… I could then begin to grow more and more aware of what my emotions were doing FOR me… rather than TO me. And then I could make better choices around the emotions I did want to feel… and for how long I was willing to feel them.

Think of the last time you were mad at your love partner. SO mad… that you held on to your anger and withheld your love and compassion from them because you really wanted them to ‘pay’ for the pain you felt from that thing they said or did. Remember how much that argument or fight hurt, yet you remained stuck inside of it? You stayed in the fight, and even poured kerosene on the fire. So why do we stay stuck in these painful dynamics? What prevents us from being able to take that pause, and climb out of our relationship ruts?

The reason is that our emotions, even the super painful ones that leave us buckled on the floor, meet our “Six Universal Human Needs”.

Our different emotions… both the good ones and the bad ones… have the potential to meet our human needs – the needs we must meet every day… to some degree… to firstly, survive and secondly, to thrive. We can meet our needs through our thoughts, our emotions, our beliefs, our actions and choices in constructive and positive ways that nurture us and serve us in our relationships long-term. OR, we can meet these same needs in unproductive or destructive ways that sabotage our longer term results , but may serve as a temporary fix right now… thus the natural temptation to use these ways. These destructive ways we use to get our human needs met are “false rewards” because they may feel good in the moment… but can negatively impact our efforts in seeking longer term happiness and fulfillment in this life.

For example, when we stay angry, pissed and closed-off to our partner to win a conflict rather than resolve… we inadvertently get some of our human needs met. Like our universal human need for “Significance” – our need to feel important, respected, needed, wanted, worthy, purposeful, enough. Engaging in unproductive conflict can help us feel powerful, important, worthy of the attention of others, and all that other stuff that helps us feel that false, fast fleeting sense of power as we ‘fight’ our partner as our opponent, rather than teammate. But we all know where this path ultimately leads us with our partners.

As examples, we can meet our human need for “Love & Connection” in our worst arguments, because now, we (finally) have our partner’s full and undivided attention. Their focus is finally on us. For many couples who don’t get to see their partners or connect with them meaningfully as often as they need, arguing and engaging in conflict can be their anecdote to feeling a lack of attention and affection from their partner.

We can meet our human need for “Certainty” and comfort by actually staying in conflict, because now we can escape and avoid the much more vulnerable act of addressing the REAL meat of the problem together… which often can evoke feelings of UNCERTAINTY about the impact that level of vulnerability would have

How can you hone your own personal power to better manage, and even choose, the emotions you feel and experience so that you can have more control over what you get to experience in your life and in your relationships?

Are you struggling in your committed love relationship at home? Ready to make a long-lasting shift that will transform the emotional stuckness you’re feeling now?

Or are you done with LIVING LIKE ROOMMATES with your spouse and ready to uplevel?

I can help. Let’s chat. I invite you to apply for a FREE 30-min. Certified Relationship Coaching Call with me HERE.

www.JenniferBlankl.com

www.JenniferBlankl.com/testimonials

January 12, 2021September 23, 2024

My Plea to the Grumpy People. Or At Least, the Non-Smilers…

YOUR SMILE is like

P U R E G O L D.

Don’t UNDERestimate the power and impact your SMILING FACE has on…

YOU, most importantly ,

Your Love Partner,

Your kids,

Strangers, Etc.

I wanna skip to STRANGERS.

Our families most likely get most of our attention… as they should. And your COMMUNITY needs you too. The people that you don’t know need you more than you know. More than ever, people are feeling detached and disconnected from others.

I’m not one to rant, but I can’t help but notice the seemingly grumpy people in the grocery store. I’m defining “grumpy” as those shopping in the grocery store that don’t look at or engage with anyone else. Those that don’t say “excuse me” when they walk in between you and the thing on the shelf you’re looking at… or the people that don’t say “thank you” after you stepped aside for them to let them walk by to give them extra space. I confess this example is a personal peeve of mine.

I grew up in the deep south and spent my middle school and early high school years living in a tiny town in Georgia called Madison – population 4,000. In Madison, you were expected to greet those you passed on the street or in the store. Even when driving your car, you knew the social norm was to at least lift a finger… quite literally… on your steering wheel to wave to the passing driver. Otherwise… you were simply regarded as ‘rude’.

I’m probably too-often triggered by some people’s indifference towards their fellow humans, even when dealing with perfect strangers. But I don’t think I’m alone in the least bit, regardless of my southern upbringing. When you smile… your whole face lights up. Your eyes smile. And that has a real positive impact on whoever gets to see your face in this state.

Smiling… even when you’re faking it… signals to your brain that you are happy, which sparks your brain’s release of hormones and endorphins, including serotonin and dopamine that increase those good feelings.

Think about how you feel when you exchange a smile with someone. Even a stranger you’re passing. For me, it’s a reminder of how we’re all truly connected as humans, of the power of kindness and warmth, and the emotional impact we have on each other… even while going about our own busy-ness in the routines of our daily lives.

Just think about the immense power you have to spread joy and love in your community with your kindness, your positive engagement, your encouraging smile, a quick compliment or warm acknowledgement… whatever your style.

There are a lot of people feeling UNSEEN in these complex times, whether they’re feeling isolated, lonely, or simply struggling with their own personal situation. Your smile, your “thank you”, your “excuse me”, your “hey I like your shoes!”… could be the very thing that makes someone’s day. That helps them feel SEEN. And important. And connected to others. So if you’re not doing so already… I lovingly nudge you to SMILE MORE… and say a quick “hello!” Connect more with others, even through small, quick gestures. For when we do… we OURSELVES get to feel and experience the love and kindness we’re giving, which in turn, elevates our OWN emotional state.

Not sure how to shift out of STUCKNESS in your own relationship or marriage at home? I can help, let’s chat: www.JenniferBlankl.com/lets-connect

Client Experiences & Testimonials: www.JenniferBlankl.com/testimonials

Download these 5 POWERFUL, PROVEN CONNECTION EXERCISES to do with your Love Partner TONIGHT to instantly connect and spark positive feelings and emotions you’ve been missing. There’s no cost… download it for free.

To Your Loving Relationships,

Jennifer Blankl

Certified Relationship & Marriage Coach

Certified Life Coach

Certified Strategic Interventionist

Client Testimonials & Experiences

www.JenniferBlankl.com

Certified Relationship & Marriage Coach Jen Blankl, as seen LIVE bi-weekly on Portland’s KOIN News, helps busy professionals & parents ignite connection, excitement, intimacy & fun in their relationships so they can feel more respected, understood, and appreciated, all without further exhausting themselves. All within 90 days, without therapy.

November 24, 2020June 9, 2023

Play the Appreciation Game Better… and Score More Win-Wins in your Love Relationship!

I wish you and yours a joyous Thanksgiving holiday this week that may be physically apart, but socially close and connected.

There’s good reason to take pause and hone in on what’s good, right and awesome in our worlds, no matter what’s currently out of our control.

Take the time to express out loud to your loved ones what you appreciate about them.

BE SPECIFIC, for optimal impact.

Compliments and expressions of appreciation that are specific and concrete, carry far more weight compared to generalizations.

For example, saying, “I really appreciate you”, is a thoughtful and loving expression for sure… but what about this?…

“I really love and appreciate how you’ve taken time lately to listen to my emotional rants without trying to fix my problems. I really feel seen and heard by you when that happens and that feels really comforting to me.”

Adding as much detail as possible to the appreciation we express feels more authentic and sincere to the receiver.

And when we do this, not only are we making our compliments and appreciations much more meaningful, but we are teaching others precisely what we love and appreciate most. A relationship win-win!

Do you want to feel more appreciated in your own relationship at home? I invite you to apply for a FREE 30-min. Relationship Strategy Call with me to tackle a specific relationship challenge you’re ready to transform.

“It only takes one person to transform ANY relationship!”

CLIENT TESTIMONIALS & EXPERIENCES

Download my FREE e-Book 5 POWERFUL EXERCISES to instantly connect with your partner.

Facebook page “The Art of Fulfillment”
Facebook Support Group, “The Relationship Revolution”
Co-Contributor of “Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams”

October 31, 2020March 30, 2021

7 Powerful Ways to Reconnect with Your Love Partner

October 12, 2020November 30, 2022

Let’s Talk About…. SEX!!

Never underestimate the importance of sex in your relationship.

Sure… your sex life isn’t going to be insanely hot all the time. Your desire for your spouse (and his or hers for you) ebbs and flows through the years as it’s supposed to. HOWEVER… if a lack of sex is hurting or unnerving either or both of you, you owe it to yourselves to find a way to talk about it and break through the barriers.

Physical affection and intimacy is like a double dose of vitamin B12 to a marriage. It can be the very thing to get you guys in to the mental, emotional and physical space where you CAN. FINALLY. RECONNECT. Like, for real.

As soon as one or both partners loses interest in having sex, resulting in an infrequency, or altogether absence of physical intimacy… your relationship is in trouble.

A client of mine who came to me after his wife discovered his sexual affair said the reason he was able to justify “such an atrocious act” is because his wife said that “romantic sex has no place in a marriage” when he would ask why she doesn’t want to have it with him. You won’t catch me condoning or even justifying infidelity. I also understand from listening to him, that the pain this man feels from a wife not wanting him physically, while taking no interest or responsibility to heal their sexual relationship, was the marriage’s death for the man. Forget about who is to blame for how they got where they are now. It’s the pain of rejection in the bedroom over time that will drive the best of characters to commit crimes of love.

Think about this…

Without physical intimacy, there’s little difference between your relationship and a fresh salad on the kitchen counter. The only difference between a fresh, crisp, refreshing salad… and garbage… is TIME. That’s it. TIME. When it comes to a marriage that lacks sex or regular physical intimacy, it’s only a matter of time before the relationship itself dies.

Not to be dramatic, but sex is absolutely VITAL to the joy and fulfillment in your relationship or marriage. And when we (especially us women) understand this, and honor this truth, the better we’ll be able to tap in to the power within us to feel and experience a much deeper connection with, not only our partners, but our amazing Selves as well.

The absence or infrequency of sex or intimacy in a marriage is a significant red flag from my perspective as a Relationship & Marriage Coach. Of course, it can mean very different things to different people, but having a mutually satisfying sex life is an excellent support system for a healthy, marital relationship. It makes the little day-to-day annoyances so much more bearable. It solidifies the foundation of our marriage so that we’re not so easily shaken. And it allows us go out in to the world and rock it outside of the bedroom because we feel sexy, confident, wanted, desired, loved, craved…. And on and on.

So stop waiting until you’re “in the mood”… or perfectly happy with your spouse to take action in the bedroom. Because, frankly, the stars will never align.

Surprise your Self and them by being a bit more frisky and flirty today.

Have no clue where to begin to even talk about this stuff with him or her? Are there other challenges at home that need to be healed before you can even wrap your mind around the thought of sex, or simply the ‘sex talk’?!

Apply for your FREE N0-OBLIGATION 20-minute Certified Relationship/Marriage Coaching Session with me!

www.JenniferBlankl.com

Client Testimonials & Experiences

Want help sparking an immediate shift in your love relationship? Download my FREE eBook: “5 Powerful Proven Exercises My Busy Clients use to UPLEVEL their Marriage.”

To Your Loving Relationships,

Jennifer Blankl
Certified Relationship & Marriage Coach

Certified Life Coach

Certified Strategic Interventionist

“Jennifer helps busy professionals & parents ignite connection, excitement, intimacy & fun in their relationships so they can feel more respected, understood, and appreciated, all without further exhausting themselves. All within 90 days, without therapy.”

September 21, 2020October 10, 2023

How to Elevate ANY Relationship Experience

Seeing the “higher intention” in what we, and others, do is one of life’s most important strategies.

Ever wonder why a loved one acts or behaves the way they do, even when directed toward you? Perhaps their behavior causes you hurt and pain. Maybe you feel stuck as far as why they act the way they do. It feels personal. What gives?

What if… in these more challenging relationship moments, we were able to ELEVATE the other person by seeing a HIGHER INTENTION in their behavior.

Don’t think they could possibly have a “GOOD INTENTION” with some of the things they do and choose?

What if I told you EVERYTHING we do (our thoughts, focus, actions and decisions) are all driven by a HIGHER INTENTION… no matter what the circumstance?

This may sound like a bunch of woo woo crap… but please allow me to explain.

We all have a higher intention, believe it or not, in all of our functional AND dysfunctional behavior. And that’s to get our human needs met.

All dysfunctional and unwanted behavior stems from an inability to get our own needs met at a higher level, or in a more constructive and productive way. So even when you, or someone in your life is “behaving badly”… it’s all in effort to get these important needs met.

Getting our universal human needs met helps us to PROTECT, PREVENT or PROVIDE something for ourselves, for someone else, or ideally both so that we can experience PLEASURE and avoid PAIN as much as possible.

We’re most of the time not aware of this… since we go about getting our needs met in a mostly subconscious way.

What if the new question became:

WHAT NEEDS ARE YOU / THEY TRYING TO MEET through their actions and behavior?

When you ask this question instead, you elevate your THINKING, you elevate your mind… and you elevate the other person. In turn, you elevate your relationship.

You can CHOOSE the meaning you will attach to another’s behavior and choices.

And when we come from a place of CHOICE, we typically show up better for others in our lives by becoming more empathetic and compassionate about exactly where THEY are at instead of relying on our own filters and unconscious judgments.

Say your wife is nagging you about how you never take her out on date night. Or say she likes to talk your ear off when you get home from work when you just want some peace and quiet!

Or say your husband, or your son, seems more addicted to video games than before and you can’t seem to get their attention the way you used to. Or why your man shuts down on you when you’re trying to express your feelings to him.

When we assume less and get more curious about WHY our love partner, and the key people in our lives act and behave the way they do, make the decisions they make, feel the way they do, think and believe what they do… we deepen our relationships.

It takes very little effort or awareness to judge or assess someone else’s behavior and choices… but when we get better about seeing our own and other people’s behavior through the lense of the “6 Universal Human Needs”, we get better about seeing the HIGHER INTENTION in our own and others’ actions… and can get much better at having meaningful, intentional and deeply fulfilling relationships.

Our human needs drive all of our functional AND dysfunctional behavior!

Want to discover which needs YOU, or someone you love, values most? Find out here! https://jenniferblankl.com/what-are-your-top-2-needs/

Want help igniting connection, love, fun and intimacy in your love relationship or marriage? I can help! Let’s jump on a free 20 minute Coaching Consult for you. Schedule your time here: https://jenniferblankl.com/lets-connect

www.JenniferBlankl.com

Client Testimonials & Experiences

Want help sparking an immediate shift in your love relationship? Download my FREE eBook: “5 Powerful Proven Exercises My Busy Clients use to UPLEVEL their Marriage.”

To Your Loving Relationships,

Jennifer Blankl
Certified Relationship & Marriage Coach

Certified Life Coach

Certified Strategic Interventionist

September 16, 2020February 11, 2021

Why Putting Your Spouse First Won’t Make Your Marriage Successful

I know you’re stretched thin and overwhelmed.

I know you feel totally exhausted and depleted at times, especially lately.

I know your “To-Do List” is now… endless.

I know you care about those you share your life with.

But what TRULY stops you from taking good care of YOU?

From putting YOU first?

From taking the time and space you need to focus on your SELF… so you can finally recharge, regroup, reflect, whatever.

Self-care isn’t about taking a bath once a week. It’s sooooo much deeper than that.

It involves truly understanding what you need and being able to ask for it from others. It’s living authentically and being your truest self. It’s knowing your triggers and how to manage them so that you can manage your emotions to your, and everyone else’s, advantage.

So, self-care is essential. It’s NON-negotiable.

But most of us treat it like it’s a luxury.

But caring for YOU must come FIRST before you’re going to be successful in your key relationships.

Because if you don’t take care of YOU first… then you’re going to burn out.

Or at best, you will rob yourself of the deeper joy and fulfillment of loving one’s Self as well as their spouse… where everyone’s needs can get met at a higher level.

Putting YOU first will improve your marriage SIGNIFICANTLY.

I promise.

So allow me to be your reminder today to take good care of YOU.

To get in touch with your “joy triggers”… the people, places and things that light you, lift your spirits and allow you the break you need from it all.

You owe it to yourself. And your marriage.

Love and Hugs,

Jen

Client Experiences & Testimonials

August 25, 2020November 29, 2023

Criticism… believe it or not… ALWAYS has a higher intention.

“You always put your work over me and our marriage!”

“You never open up and share your feelings with me!”

“You’re TOO EMOTIONAL!”

These are statements commonly expressed by my clients in our relationship and marriage coaching sessions.

It’s got me thinking about the loop of criticism and defensiveness we create… and fuel… when we criticize our partner. Or anyone for that matter.

So what’s criticism anyway? Criticism is when we attack our partner’s character. “Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them“, according to Dr. Jon Gottman.

When we criticize, our “attacking” words easily trigger the receiver to defend themselves. Then the criticizer gets further triggered by their partner’s defensiveness… and thus the nasty cycle lives on and repeats itself.

Even as toxic as criticism truly is to our relationships and marriages… it comes with a higher intent.

What?!

Here’s what I mean. Every single criticism has a hidden request. A deeper need or want underneath, just dying to get met.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU’RE THE ONE FEELING CRITICIZED LATELY: When we can become aware of the underneath request to get a need met… our feelings and emotions in response to the criticism itself can transform.

When we can look at a criticism through the lens of “what need are they trying to meet here??”… it can feel a hell of a lot less personal to us. Now we can put the focus back on our partner, rather than on defending our Self.

Want to learn about the six universal human needs and which of the 6 Universal Human Needs you, and your partner, uniquely value most? Learn more and take the assessment here!

HOW TO AVOID CRITICISM, WHEN YOU’RE PARTNER ISN’T CUTTING IT: How difficult has it felt to sit there and listen to what feels like criticism, without defending yourself? Without consciousness and effort… pretty darn difficult.

What about if that person, instead of telling you what they DON’T like about you and your behavior, told you what they DO WANT instead from you?

It sounds so crazy simple, but the fact is, our human default way is to notice and to highlight internally and outwardly what we DON’T WANT. What we don’t like. What is wrong and not yet right. It’s how we solve problems and fix stuff. And ultimately survive. So complaining can have value.

But when it comes to our love relationships, complaining and criticizing is a slippery slope.

Why not get better at expressing that human need or want that’s hiding inside of the criticism by swapping out your “don’t want” dialogue for more DO WANT statements.

Ready to transform your relationship at home? Not even sure if it’s possible? I can help!

I invite you to apply for a FREE 20-minute Strategy Call with me to help you begin an immediate shift, with or without your partner’s involvement.

www.jenniferblankl.com/lets-connect

CLIENT TESTIMONIALS & EXPERIENCES.

To your Extraordinary Relationships,
COACH JENNIFER BLANKL

Certified Relationship & Marriage Coach

Certified Divorce Prevention Coach

Author: jenniferblankl

How Do You Most Love to Receive Love?

What’s YOUR “Center of Gravity” as a Love Partner in Your Relationship?

Are your EMOTIONS Getting the Best of You? Here’s What To Do…

My Plea to the Grumpy People. Or At Least, the Non-Smilers…

Jennifer Blankl

Play the Appreciation Game Better… and Score More Win-Wins in your Love Relationship!

7 Powerful Ways to Reconnect with Your Love Partner

Let’s Talk About…. SEX!!

How to Elevate ANY Relationship Experience

Why Putting Your Spouse First Won’t Make Your Marriage Successful

Criticism… believe it or not… ALWAYS has a higher intention.

Are You a Business Exec and Tired of Your Sexless Marriage?