As a Certified Relationship Coach and Divorce Preventionist, I have the huge honor of working with women and men to help them navigate many different relationship issues such as connecting on a deeper level, improving their communication, reigniting intimacy, navigating their way through conflict and more. And what I have learned is that people strongly consider leaving… or do leave a relationship not because they don’t love the person… but because they have lost hope that they can get their most significant, most important needs met… with the partner they already have.
As humans, we all share the same six universal human needs that we each must meet on a certain level to feel happy and content on a daily basis. These needs are deep-rooted needs, not merely preferences or desires. If one or more of our most valued needs goes unmet by our love partner for a long enough period of time, we lose hope that we can get that need or needs met inside of our love relationship. What breaks my heart is that most of the time, these needs go unmet because of a simple lack of awareness around what their partner’s needs, especially their most valued needs, are. Our needs also go unmet when we, ourselves, don’t know what our needs are and how we are subconsciously and consciously going about meeting them. Helping my clients assess their own needs, as well as the needs of their partner, is the first crucial step. This so oftentimes leads to a ton of “AHA” moments and breakthroughs, because here hides the key information about one’s self and one’s partner. It’s beyond empowering and clarifying to get your hands on this information.
With that said, I have found that there is one particular behavior that causes people to lose hope in their love relationship that seems to outweigh all others. And that is an ongoing and general LACK OF PRESENCE. So what I’m saying is that a lack of presence is the biggest cause of unmet needs. Not too much conflict, or financial warfare, or parenting style differences… it seems to come back to How much PRESENCE each partner feels from the other.
For many women, it’s competing with their guy’s work and “workaholic” nature. For many men, it’s feeling a lack of respect and appreciation from their wife for all they sacrifice. For many, it feels like sitting alone even when their partner is right next to them, because they’re so frequently on their phone, or distracted, from meaningful and genuine connection.
And in my experience as a Coach, it’s the Good Guys… the purpose-driven, loyal, hard-working, responsible, nice guys that are falling pray to a lack of presence. It’s the guy that totally loves his woman and can’t imagine being without her… but he’s not there. Not in the way she needs him to be to feel truly seen, heard, understood and loved. Like so many couples, one or both people have fallen in the trap of being there physically, but not being fully present.
And women are just as guilty of this as well. A busy stretched-thin mom that has nothing left to give at the end of the day after her man comes home from work because she’s depleted. Or the driven career woman that struggles shutting off “work brain” in order to be present for her family.
So there’s a lot to be learned about your human needs which essentially defines your human blueprint… the thing that’s driving your every thought, emotion, action and choice in life. The golden nugget that could transform your life and relationship is in discovering what your top needs are and really understanding how your needs are impacting your life and key relationships.
But first must come PRESENCE. Because without presence, we cannot effectively work toward this kind of deeper understanding of ourselves and our partner. We must first become present for our partner to even begin these deeper discoveries, so that’s why it is THE first crucial step in transforming any relationship.
Here are some things you can do beginning TONIGHT to connect with your partner on a deeper level, all while giving them your complete, undivided PRESENCE.
Try just 1 of these exercises and get fueled by how it feels!
Cheers to your Extraordinary Relationships!
Your Certified Relationship, Marriage & Divorce Prevention Coach