Using this simple phrase instead is a RELATIONSHIP GAME CHANGER.


Remember the last time you got in a heated dialogue with your love partner or spouse because one of you was sharing your feelings?

If you said an hour ago… you’re far from alone.

When we are feeling triggered or stuck or needing to express our feelings, needs, and preferences, we often fall into the trap of talking about what we DON’T WANT instead of what we DO WANT. 

It’s our human default way.

It’s part of our evolutionary survival instinct to focus on and point out all that’s not right.

For this is how things get fixed, right?

Yes. And. When we get better at describing what we DO want to have, experience, feel, create, etc… we are clarifying for both our selves as well as our partner (or the other person) what we’re truly wanting or needing, while minimizing the risk of an unintended communication breakdown. “DO WANT” opens up the opportunity for better understanding, resolution, and collaboration. 

When we humanly get stuck in “DON’T WANT” mode… we’re much more likely to trigger our partner since “DON’T WANT” often lands as criticism or a personal attack to the receiver. Or worse… we unintentionally lead our partner to feel inadequate, unworthy, defeated, unappreciated, unsuccessful, unwanted, and so on.  (These are the actual words most commonly expressed by my male clients). This of course leads to either defensiveness or stonewalling (shutting down) most of the time.

Instead, make it easier to be more successful with each other by giving your partner the key information they need (and want) to know so they can do what will lead to their success with you.

And it’s important to be specific.

Don’t just say you do want more alone time… say you do want alone time on Tuesday and Thursday nights between 7pm and 9pm.

Like when my boys gripe and complain most nights about my ideas for dinner until I say “OK… well, why don’t you tell me what you DO WANT for dinner then instead of everything you don’t want?!”  And then they instantly become helpful and so much less annoying. 😉 

So try “DO WANT” statements on for size.  See how this strategy can really help you navigate not only your thoughts and your focus, but also your dialogue, toward what you’re truly after. Expressing oneself and feeling heard is a human need we all have, but to be able to express ourselves in terms of what we specifically are wanting to experience, feel, create, improve, empowers us to more easily identify solutions, and ways to get what we do most want and need.

For example, if you feel your partner is on their phone more than you’d like  and you’re fed up with how much his phone distracts him, instead of focusing on the fact that you DON’T want him on his phone so much, you can hone in on how you DO want to spend more time with him. You WANT to feel closer and more connected to him. You WANT to experience a deeper connection with him. Imagine the difference expressing what we DO WANT more than what we DON’T can make in all of our relationships.

Try this. Do it. Let me know how it goes!


Are you struggling in your Love Life at home with the partner you already have?

Need a different approach? Already tried marriage counseling or couples therapy without success?

Let’s connect! 

Apply for a FREE Certified Relationship, Marriage & Divorce Prevention Coaching Consult with me. For you, or both you and your partner.

Client Experiences & Testimonials

www.JenniferBlankl.com

Download my FREE eBook: “7 Powerful Exercises for More Deeply Connecting with your Partner”

To Your Loving Relationships,

Jennifer Blankl
Certified Relationship Coach

Certified Marriage Educator and Divorce Preventionist

Certified Strategic Interventionist 

“Jennifer helps busy professionals & parents ignite connection, excitement, intimacy & fun in their relationships so they can feel more respected, understood, and appreciated.”

Join my Facebook Group “The Relationship Revolution” for proven insights, strategies, and empowering perspectives to help you spark massive change at home.

THE PRICELESS GAINS IN A LATER CHECKOUT…


When you’re done with your busy day… Do you enjoy hanging out with your Love Partner, your Spouse, or the kids?…

Or would you rather check out and get that time to yourself that we all need?

I was reminded of something last week.

Two nights out of the week my husband takes our 12-year-old son to soccer practice leaving me and my 10-year-old son alone. My 10-year-old looooves connecting with his friends over video games. So it’s too easy to let him play video games when older brother is at soccer while I drink red wine and cook while watching Netflix. My go-to way of transitioning out of my busy workday. Which I really enjoy. 

I’ve been more conscious these last couple of years about how quickly time passes and how fast my boys are growing up.

And TIME with those we love cannot be…

renewed…

reused…

or recycled.

What I CAN do is change HOW I spend the time that I DO have with them.

But that point only scratches the surface.

So last week I forced my son to hang out with mommy. He didn’t want to. He pleaded for a bit to get on “the Fortnite” but caved quicker than I expected.

We took our dog Apollo on a long walk together and he chatted my ear off in the most adorable way about things that happened at school which he won’t say in front of his brother in the car ride home from school for some reason. I would’ve totally missed out on this sweet conversation between him and I otherwise.

I negotiated with him that we could watch something together or play a board game and of course, he chose the TV. Which was fine because he draped his leg over mine on the couch and we could not have been sitting closer without him sitting on my lap. This I love. These moments I cherish. The bonds we feel with our loved ones when we take the time to connect with them trumps all.

I’m glad I got this reminder that trading out my own comfort to hang with my son has immeasurable gifts to enjoy.

We all need alone time, escape time, de-stress time, but for me to redefine how I use that alone time with my younger son during those evenings is well worth the effort.

Research proves my point as well. A 75-year long Harvard Study’s biggest findings were that the most important predictor of happiness is our relationships. Not money, or power or possessions. But our closest relationships.

I think in this busy life that demands our divided attention, we could all use this reminder.


Are you struggling in your Love Life at home with the partner you already have?

Need a different approach? Already tried marriage counseling or therapy without success?

Let’s connect! 

Apply for a FREE Certified Relationship, Marriage & Divorce Prevention Coaching Consult with me. For you, or both you and your partner.

Client Experiences & Testimonials

www.JenniferBlankl.com

To Your Loving Relationships,

Jennifer Blankl
Certified Relationship Coach

Certified Marriage Educator and Divorce Preventionist

Certified Strategic Interventionist 

“Jennifer helps busy professionals & parents ignite connection, excitement, intimacy & fun in their relationships so they can feel more respected, understood, and appreciated.”

Join my Facebook Group “The Relationship Revolution” for proven insights, strategies, and empowering perspectives to help you spark massive change at home.

THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAY to TRACK THE TRUE LEVEL OF JOY & FULFILLMENT IN ANY RELATIONSHIP!!

What would life be like if you truly felt SEEN and UNDERSTOOD by your partner?

What if you could resolve those recurring conflicts in your personal or love relationship once and for all so you get on with enjoying yourself more and those you care about and love?

What if you could understand what truly motivates you to … or prevents you from… taking certain actions in your life that could meet your needs at a higher level?

Let me give you the GOLDMINE OF TRUTH HERE when it comes to what your deepest, truest driving forces are in your life and in all of your relationships…

WHY WE DO WHAT WE DO:    THE 6 UNIVERSAL HUMAN NEEDS

Understanding the 6 human needs and which needs we, and those we love, value most, is life’s most important strategy.

When we get clear on what our own needs are and get better at meeting our needs at a higher level, or in a positive way that is good for our overall well-being… then we experience deeper fulfillment and joy inside of ourselves.

IN RELATIONSHIP TO OTHERS:

The 6 Human Needs are the most effective way to track the level of happiness and fulfillment in any human relationship. When you understand which of the needs are most important to a person, and how that person satisfies their most important needs, you understand what brings them pleasure or pain. You also understand what’s truly driving that person and motivating them to take the actions they take, and even feel the feelings they feel.

Usually, for each person, two of these needs prevail over all the others. A person’s top 2 needs are experienced so intensely that the person will do almost anything to satisfy those needs. When you identify the two most important needs, you are discovering a person’s driving motivation, what gives meaning and motive to a person’s life… their life blueprint!

 In marriage or any committed intimate relationship, each person must be aware of the other person’s needs in order to know what’s going on. Not knowing a partner’s needs inevitably leads to frustration and disappointment since even though a person may feel that he/she is giving everything, they are not giving what the other person really needs, in the way that the other person needs it. The challenge is that people’s deepest needs are often extremely specific and can be tricky to discern – it’s like a “secret button.” If spouses never find each other’s secret button, the relationship will feel difficult, and even impossible. If couples find the secret button and figure out how to give each other what each truly needs at the highest level, they will be able to generate levels of trust, happiness and love more profound than they ever thought possible.

The 6 Human Needs was developed by Tony Robbins, the father of the coaching industry, and Cloe Madanes, a world reknowned psychologist and psychotherapist, who both trained and certified me as a Life & Relationship Coach, Marriage Educator and Divorce Preventionist. I’m grateful to have learned this tool in a critical moment of my own marriage.

HERE’S MY STORY…

When my husband lost an 11 year job through no fault of his own when I was pregnant with our first son, I had no clue what was happening to him as a person and as a “mature masculine man”, because I didn’t understand his needs, nor my own. So I blamed him. I blamed him for the way he was showing up for me, the way I felt he wasn’t treating me right or connecting with me the way I needed. Instead of showing up with love and support when he was already down, I showed up with resistance, defensiveness, even contempt. I failed miserably to understand how his most valued needs were attached to his significance, success and certainty at work, while my most valued needs revolve around growth and love & connection. Because his top needs were no longer being due to his job loss, he wasn’t able to give me love and connection the way I needed it, because, ironically, it’s our human need to meet our most valued needs first before we can address the less valued needs.

Becoming an expert in the 6 human needs transformed me, the way I show up for my husband, the way I think and feel about him, the way I react to him, and the choices I make regarding how I show up for him. This, in turn, allowed him to be the man and partner I needed and wanted, even through the immense pain and challenges he was facing at the time.

I’m beyond grateful for having learned this tool and I teach it with determination and passion to my private individual and couple clients as well as in my workshops and company trainings in hopes that it can help those I serve even if just a small fraction of how it’s helped me!

HERE ARE THE 6 HUMAN NEEDS:

All humans universally share these needs. What makes each and every one of us so unique is that we each value two needs out of the six. Whatever our top two needs are completely and directly determine our thoughts, our feelings, our choices, our ACTIONS… and ultimately our destiny. Your success in any human relationship, including the relationship you have with your SELF… hinges on your ability to discover which needs you and the other values most and what has to happen (your “rules”) to meet those needs. When spouses learn this, they will find the secret button that brings on love and happiness. A marriage never breaks up when the partners are meeting all of their partner’s needs at a high level.

CERTAINTY

Certainty that we can be comfortable – to have pleasure and avoid pain. Comfort, security, safety, stability, feeling grounded, predictability and protection.

UNCERTAINTY/VARIETY

Variety and challenges that exercise our emotional and physical range. Our bodies, our minds, our emotional well-being all require exertion through instability, exercise, suspense, entertainment, and surprise, as well as fear, conflict, and crisis.

SIGNIFICANCE

Every person needs to feel special, important, needed and wanted, admired, that our lives have a special purpose and meaning. Pride, importance, achievement, performance, perfection, evaluation, discipline, standards and competition.

LOVE & CONNECTION

Everyone needs connection with other human beings and everyone strives for and hopes for love. Togetherness, inclusion, passion, unity, warmth, tenderness and romance.

GROWTH

Everything is either growing or dying. Nothing is stagnant. We need to constantly develop and expand ourselves emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.

CONTRIBUTION

We all desire to go beyond our own needs and give to others. Everything in the universe contributes beyond itself or is eliminated.

The first 4 Needs, Certainty, Uncertainty/Variety, Connection/Love and Significance, are essential for human SURVIVAL. They are the fundamental needs of the personality – everyone must feel that they have met them on some level in order to survive. The last two needs, Growth and Contribution, are essential to human FULFILLMENT. They are the needs of the spirit, and not everyone finds a way to satisfy them, although they are necessary for lasting fulfillment.

Because we humans share the same nervous system, everyone experiences the same 6 Human Needs. However, everyone finds different ways of satisfying each of these needs. Also, each of these needs can be met in ways that are positive – increasing the wellbeing of ourselves and others, or negative – decreasing the wellbeing of ourselves and others.

Here are examples of both positive and negative ways a person could meet each of the 6 human needs: The need for Certainty can be met by going to school and obtaining a degree, or by avoiding challenges or risks that lead to our growth. The need for Uncertainty / Variety can be met by reading about different subjects or meeting different kinds of people, or by engaging in high-risk sports or violent behavior. Some ways of satisfying these needs are good for the person’s well-being, good for others and good for society, while other ways decrease or sacrifice well-being for everyone. The need for Connection/Love can be satisfied through good deeds and kindness or by domination of others who are forced to show appreciation. The need for Significance can be met by being the best at something, or by having the biggest problem. Similarly, one can Grow and become a better person… or a more successful criminal. And one can Contribute to the well-being of many… or the downfall of another person.

Understanding our human needs brings empowering clarity to our lives by giving us awareness and choice in how we go about creating more joy & fulfillment in our lives and most valued relationships.

WANT TO DIVE DEEPER…

in to your personal relationship scenario or challenge to better understand your own or your partner’s human needs blueprint?

I INVITE YOU…

to connect with me over video or phone for 20 minutes so you can get immediate relief with a perspective shift that will inspire you to TAKE NEW ACTION with yourself, your partner, and your family by knowing and understanding your human needs blueprint! 

SCHEDULE YOUR NO-OBLIGATION COACHING CONVERSATION WITH ME HERE!

Cheers to Your Extraordinary Relationships,

Jennifer Blankl

Certified Relationship Coach & Divorce Preventionist

Client Experiences & Testimonials

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7 POWERFUL EXERCISES
To Deeply Connect with your Love Partner

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