Tag: conflict

What’s been happening in your CLOSER RELATIONSHIPS these past couple of years?

For the far majority of my clients, as well as for me personally, at least one major key relationship has been forever changed because of an inability to navigate different perspectives and differences of opinion in a way that preserves your connection.

When we have a close relationship transform for the worst, it can really hijack us emotionally.

Us human creatures have a deep-rooted need to feel connected to, close to, accepted by, affirmed by, included, agreed with… etcetera etcetera… by other human beings.

So when an important relationship becomes challenged and strained… our world can feel hugely hijacked no matter how solid and great some of our other close relationships are.

Because relationships are deeply PERSONAL, when they go awry we can humanly make it personal.

So how can we DEFINE what’s going on in a way that leaves our hearts and minds intact?

People, friends, family, acquaintances, etc. can leave us feeling a wealth of unwanted emotions, all stirred by the way they show up… or don’t show up for us.

 

Some people are not able to, or not wanting to support what we personally are excited about in our lives, in our own personal growth or in the changes we make in our lives and in our relationships. It’s not that they don’t want to… they just may not fully understand.

When we experience this in a key relationship, we tend to react in one of two ways:

1. We shrink and play small, or go back to our old ways to prevent rocking the boat with friends and family.

2. We tell others to F off and get all righteous. Then frustration sets in because we’re fighting with people we really care about because they’re not showing up for us the way we really want them to. 

Where do either of these two common responses leave us? Not where we really want to be. Because we’re either not being our true authentic selves, or we’re in conflict, whether outwardly or inwardly, with people we need the most.

So how do we better DEFINE so that we can better MANAGE our relationship experience with other people when we cannot control their behavior or how they’re showing up for us?

There are 3 GROUPS OF PEOPLE in your life:

1. Toxic People: Negative people in your life who tend to leave you feeling depleted rather than filled up and elevated. You can’t change them. Protect yourself from toxic people with boundaries for you – it’s not healthy to endure a toxic dynamic. Again, most importantly, you are not going to change them. 

2. Your Right-Hand People (your GROWING hand): These are the people that grow with you, lift you up and cheer you on. These people include your closest friends that know your darkest secrets and love you more for them.  Your mentor, your coach, therapist,teacher, trainer, the people you engage with the most in your professional network).  These people are those that challenge you to the next level, encourage you, inspire you, and support you. Surround yourself with these people!  Get filled up here with inspiration and positivity from these folks!

3. YOUR Left-Hand People (your GIVING hand): These precious folks often include those that have KNOWN YOU THE LONGEST and likely make up for the largest percentage of people in your life. And the largest amount of your grief and suffering. Totally kidding.

These friends and family may not (and commonly don’t) fully get your growth, and may annoyingly challenge any updates on your end about the awesome changes you’re making in your life. But this doesn’t mean they deserve to be abandoned (Most of the time, at least. ;)). This is where YOU GIVE unconditional love and compassion exactly where THEY are.  Appreciate and honor where they are. You don’t need to fix it, or try to change them. Relieve yourself of this, already!

RELATIONSHIP PAIN happens…

when you expect your LEFT-HAND People to think, feel and act like your RIGHT-HAND People do with you.

For example…

When we give unsolicited advice to our friends, they can feel rejected or judged by us. 

When we share our career success excitement with a parent who doesn’t give us the response back we’re expecting and craving. It can feel like rejection and disinterest… but it could be more the fact that this parent should be in your LEFT-HAND… but you’re wanting and expecting RIGHT-HAND treatment.

This is all fluid and can change at any time.

 

For example, a toxic person in your life could hit rock bottom, make massive changes and earn their way back into your Friends and Family hand. Or, a professional friendship turned close friend… or your Love Partner, could become both a right hand person, as well as a left hand person for us. 

So in recap, why is this important to understand?

• Knowing who you are hanging out with and which HAND they belong in helps us better manage our expectations of others and how we feel about how they do or don’t show up for us.

• Reduces the pain and suffering we feel from unmet expectations that can’t possibly be met in our closer relationships.

• Helps us manage the way WE OURSELVES show up for others.

DO THIS EXERCISE!: